Blood Draws, Fevers, Soft Food, Seahawks, Grace

My 2013 and earlier self was extremely squeamish. I couldn't talk about anything medical related or about blood without feeling lightheaded. But this year however, I was thrown into a new non-squeamish way of life without even having an option. I have learned more about my body and the hospital this year through pregnancy and disease than all other years combined! Since the beginning of this stay they have poked me at least 50 times. I was feeling pretty cool and confident about my newfound non-squeamish capabilities, but today I had a real bad series of pokes that left me in tears. Dang! Some blood draw people are so quick and easy and painless and then others are consistently painful. When I see painful woman walk in I think "crap"!!

So there are some good things going on, and some not so good things. I'll start with the good things.

1. I kicked my fever! This was one thing they couldn't figure out, and also something they coulnd't send me home with, so that's one thing to check off the list (pray it doesn't come back)
2. My oxygen levels have been better so I don't have to wear the oxygen in the nose anymore (feeding tube still yes, just not oxygen)
3. Yesterday I was able to add some regular soft food back into my diet in addition to the feeding tube. It took me an hour an a half but I finished this soup! Before going home I have to be eating completely on my own, so everything I can get down without getting sick or throwing up is progress in the right direction. I just don't want my pancreas to have to work too hard so I feel scared to eat too much. Pray for me and this fear.
4. I got to see my baby again last night!!!

My sister Haley sent me this picture when she was watching him.... 

....Lincoln thinks he's a reindeer.

We watched the Seahawks last night on the world's smallest hospital TVs. 

What an awesome game!!!

Here's the harder part to talk about. It's day 10 in the hospital so I feel like there is a sadness setting in that I'm having a hard time fighting off. Pray for me. I find myself just crying often and it's hard to shake. I try as hard as I can to be positive, but it's just a very lonely, limiting place to be stuck in. Nights are especially hard. Because of the feeding tube I can't lay down past 30% so there aren't many ways for me to sleep. I wake up often and fight off the poor me syndrome in the middle of the night, but I'm not going to lie, I really miss my bed and I really miss Tavis on the nights he doesn't stay here. (He can't get any sleep here so has to go home) Sometimes when I feel so weak, worried and insufficient.... singing this song helps. I can remember many times throughout this stay where I'm in so much pain, just praying for the moments to pass quicker, crying out to God for help. It's a calming song and a great reminder of his grace. I hope it encourages you wherever you're at today as well: